A Moment of Frustrated Truth

I will first apologize for the radio silence that has happened in the last two or so weeks.

I apologize.

With the whole..."working two jobs thing after spending the summer staying up too late and not working much" has thrown me into a kerfuffle. Meaning I'm tired....again. After finally catching up on sleep. That...and my birthday was last friday. YAY birthday. 

This past week however was harder on the heart than it ought. Which bring to this story of a little one at the park who was elbowed in the heart yesterday. I luckily didn't laugh outrageously out loud. However the father and I bonded over the irony that was laced in her tale of woe somewhere. A short story or film even. 

Anyways, starting from Monday, I have gradually noticed that March has been having the worst kind of attitude shift. To the point where I had to have a conversation with him about what it means to be nice, to be mean, to demand things from people and the whole shebang. I tried to take into account that his dad (Daddy Camera) was planning to leaving the state for a few months on a new film project. And that little boys have random hormone developments at around age 6/7. But I have to say...this is beyond just 'boys being boys'. It got to the point were I had to have a conversation with March about his behavior and he got really upset with me when I explained to him what being nice really means to people, what being rude, and other things like entitlement. He had his moment of stomping off and didn't want to speak to me and I said okay. Go for it. You have the right to be angry, but take a moment to realize what I just told you.

So loe and behold, when Producer Lady came back, I explained to her what happened. Apparently....she doesn't do that type of discipline. (I know...here we go again...). That type of discipline? You mean the one where you talk to your child as if he is 20 as you do? Okay...so I can't do time-outs, and talking to them is discipline. I was clearly frustrated and disheartened because I have no direction to go with this kid. 

When I got home my roommates could tell something was up and I told them all the things that had happened- from him saying racist comments about random people, and myself (which TRUST me...I nipped in the bud REAL fast) to just being really rude and entitled, and Big Red said something to me that I hadn't thought about. Essentially, she told me that it sounds like March's parents want a babysitter/nanny/care-giver who isn't quite concerned about how their child development in the long term sense. And you know what...she might be right. I get so worried about how March's behavior now will get him into some serious pickles in the future, and...maybe I shouldn't. But then what kind of person am I then????

And So the Madness Ensues...

I'm not sure why the post decided to upload itself with nothing on it.

Buuuuuutttttt....that's the story of my life isn't it?!?!?!?!

Anyways, today (not Wednesday) was the start of the ways of the von Film Family. Both June and March started their first full days and it served as a reminder why I stopped working out so much on my own. Between running errands and running to pick up playdates and running with boys and running through traffic- I get my cardio.

However, yesterday (Wednesday, not today) served as a visceral reminder as to why I sometimes...okay often don't like this job. As I went to pick up June from her friends new town house which has six floors, an elevator and an informal kitchen (did anyone else know you could have an informal f*cking kitchen? Cause I didn't). Whatever. Anyways, I go to pick her up, and chat with her lovely mother. The conversation went something like this:

Townhouse Mom: Oh Hi! How are you?
Me: Oh good, how are you?
TM: Stressed.
Me: Yeah, I know moving can be brutal.
TM: Seriously. You know I heard from Producer Lady that you might be leaving...is it true? What's happening?
Me: (paused in conversation cause I had no idea anyone knew about anything...about my life) Well...I'm trying to figure out my next step, you know...potential graduate schools and job opportunities.

and the conversation continues. Apparently, PL got it in her head to tell everyone she knows that I am trying to jump ship. Why is my life on the open forum board? Because that gentlefolk....is the life of a NYC babysitter. Welcome back to school.......oye.

To Full Time or Not to Full Time...or Hamlet...you didn't REALLY have problems hon...

So the past few weeks I've been reconciling that summer was over. And by doing so had to admit to myself that I really enjoyed not working with the Producer Lady. While I had been mildly stressed out- okay- frantically stressed out about how the cost of living in NYC would be affected by having one job less, I realized that there was a sense of freedom that occurred without constantly thinking about June and March.

But what has followed took me by surprise.

While I spent a great deal of time living the young 20-something life (aside: my birthday is officially 13 days from now), I would realize while I worked at B&N how much I missed those two crazies. I would see kids in the store and talk with them and joke and afterwards always have that clarifying "damn" moment after they leave. I ended up sitting for the Von Film Family for a day about 2 weeks ago, and PL had forgotten to mention to them that I would be sitting them for the day. So they woke up one at a time to see me in their new house and were so excited and happy to see me. And we were having the best day together at Washington Sq Park when it hit me...I might not be with you two for the next year. Within the past few weeks I've continued my job search to find "my calling"- which really means a full time job with benefits that will make me more or less happy- and have been having call backs and interviews. I should be elated right?!?!?!

Which makes me realize yet another point...that despite how much I have been frustrated by this job as a babysitter, the thing that made it worth while were those little boogers. And this has led me to become stuck readers, stuck in a place where I can't move forward but don't necessarily want to move backwards either. I find that now, every decision is based on whether or not they'll be fine if I leave (which I'm positive they will be...at least I know June would be) or if I really want to take a 9-5/10-6 because I have talked myself into really "loving" the fact that I can wake up late days and do as I feel. But really...I guess I'm scared of what happens to me if I leave them.

Did the Nanny from The Nanny Diaries ever feel like this?

Either way, I suppose that this is what they meant when they you're not in Kansas anymore....