So the past few weeks I've been reconciling that summer was over. And by doing so had to admit to myself that I really enjoyed not working with the Producer Lady. While I had been mildly stressed out- okay- frantically stressed out about how the cost of living in NYC would be affected by having one job less, I realized that there was a sense of freedom that occurred without constantly thinking about June and March.
But what has followed took me by surprise.
While I spent a great deal of time living the young 20-something life (aside: my birthday is officially 13 days from now), I would realize while I worked at B&N how much I missed those two crazies. I would see kids in the store and talk with them and joke and afterwards always have that clarifying "damn" moment after they leave. I ended up sitting for the Von Film Family for a day about 2 weeks ago, and PL had forgotten to mention to them that I would be sitting them for the day. So they woke up one at a time to see me in their new house and were so excited and happy to see me. And we were having the best day together at Washington Sq Park when it hit me...I might not be with you two for the next year. Within the past few weeks I've continued my job search to find "my calling"- which really means a full time job with benefits that will make me more or less happy- and have been having call backs and interviews. I should be elated right?!?!?!
Which makes me realize yet another point...that despite how much I have been frustrated by this job as a babysitter, the thing that made it worth while were those little boogers. And this has led me to become stuck readers, stuck in a place where I can't move forward but don't necessarily want to move backwards either. I find that now, every decision is based on whether or not they'll be fine if I leave (which I'm positive they will be...at least I know June would be) or if I really want to take a 9-5/10-6 because I have talked myself into really "loving" the fact that I can wake up late days and do as I feel. But really...I guess I'm scared of what happens to me if I leave them.
Did the Nanny from The Nanny Diaries ever feel like this?
Either way, I suppose that this is what they meant when they you're not in Kansas anymore....
Showing posts with label Decision-making. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Decision-making. Show all posts
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Oh The Tangled Lives We Lead...
This past week has been something of a cosmic dishwasher for me. Let me explain....
Loading the dirty dishes of my life, I dealt with some random life issues as any person does. Stacking clean ones back in my cabinet so to speak, I've just had to repeat the cycle. Though I opened the cafe two consecutive days this week and proceed to babysit right after, I felt slightly on autopilot. So the whole figuring-out-my-life-at-age-22 thing has been halted. Much to my chagrin...I got lazy. There. I said it.
What didn't help is when I spoke to my mother on the phone, she proceeded to list off the ways in which I have failed since college. ~sigh~. Let me amend this phrasing: my mother, like all mothers, is a worry-wart. She frets. She fusses. She sticks her nose where is most certainly isn't needed, and so when we talked about my lack of health insurance, it somehow became a conversation about my life and how I haven't found a good job, and how I'm not in school like my sister, and how it's hard to find a job ...this makes a girl who already has a deep inclination to worry a lot about what hasn't come to pass (cue Cate Blanchett as Elf Princess Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.) decide to continue to take action, even as it made her more depressed. Finishing quote of the day? Don't get discouraged. Well I wasn't till you started talking Mother Dearest (though I love you most dearly!)
So after having to force myself to apply to jobs that could set my future in motion, I applied to jobs that would hopefully push me into the art world. Wherein I landed an interview as an artist assistant that was Thursday morning (read: early-o'clock). No matter, the interview turned out really well...especially since said artist had A TURTLE NAMED MILLIE!!!!! It was probably the best part of my day and certainly that interview. As for the job...we'll see what happens.
But of course, I still think about my mother's words and how affected by them I was. Which is where my sister Le Leo told me something that I am trying to take to heart because it was just so m*therf*cking profound...she said to me that "Your life is good for you right now" and you know what...that may very well be true. Babysitting and all. I shall ruminate on this...
But seriously, sometimes it's hard figuring out what the next step- scratch that it's ALWAYS hard. Nevertheless, sometimes...the lives we lead are what we are supposed to have sometimes. Sometimes...
Loading the dirty dishes of my life, I dealt with some random life issues as any person does. Stacking clean ones back in my cabinet so to speak, I've just had to repeat the cycle. Though I opened the cafe two consecutive days this week and proceed to babysit right after, I felt slightly on autopilot. So the whole figuring-out-my-life-at-age-22 thing has been halted. Much to my chagrin...I got lazy. There. I said it.
What didn't help is when I spoke to my mother on the phone, she proceeded to list off the ways in which I have failed since college. ~sigh~. Let me amend this phrasing: my mother, like all mothers, is a worry-wart. She frets. She fusses. She sticks her nose where is most certainly isn't needed, and so when we talked about my lack of health insurance, it somehow became a conversation about my life and how I haven't found a good job, and how I'm not in school like my sister, and how it's hard to find a job ...this makes a girl who already has a deep inclination to worry a lot about what hasn't come to pass (cue Cate Blanchett as Elf Princess Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.) decide to continue to take action, even as it made her more depressed. Finishing quote of the day? Don't get discouraged. Well I wasn't till you started talking Mother Dearest (though I love you most dearly!)
So after having to force myself to apply to jobs that could set my future in motion, I applied to jobs that would hopefully push me into the art world. Wherein I landed an interview as an artist assistant that was Thursday morning (read: early-o'clock). No matter, the interview turned out really well...especially since said artist had A TURTLE NAMED MILLIE!!!!! It was probably the best part of my day and certainly that interview. As for the job...we'll see what happens.
But of course, I still think about my mother's words and how affected by them I was. Which is where my sister Le Leo told me something that I am trying to take to heart because it was just so m*therf*cking profound...she said to me that "Your life is good for you right now" and you know what...that may very well be true. Babysitting and all. I shall ruminate on this...
But seriously, sometimes it's hard figuring out what the next step- scratch that it's ALWAYS hard. Nevertheless, sometimes...the lives we lead are what we are supposed to have sometimes. Sometimes...
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The Moment Where You REALLY Question Your Life Choices
I should preface this first post by making the following statement:
....I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I should also preface the aforementioned statement with the following statement:
....No one does. Though, some people are very good at presenting
a semblance of order.
There are many days where I wake up, stressed out and in a severe sweat- something that my sheets and I have had many conversations about- simply worried about how I plan to pay my rent. And my gas and water bill. And my credit card bill. And that sponsorship for a child in Equador or the DR I managed to get talked into on the street. Oh...and that pesky little thing called Student Loans. (grrrrr.....) One thing that your Provost/College President/Big Kahuna of the Academic kind doesn't tell you during your commencement (I went to a LibArts college and this is the apparent name for when you get your degree) ceremony is that, getting a job out of college is easy...in theory. Or rather....MY College President didn't tell me that (granted I may have kind of, sort of, nappedduringtheceremonywhatever).
So after college, I wanted to be a big kid and move out of my parents' house from Jersey and to New York. With $500 in my bank account post graduation. Not the smoothest move, but hey, I didn't major in mathematics. (African American Studies and English majors and Studio Art minor respectively thank you very much) Anywho, let's just say that within a period of 4 hours that $500- which is quite a lot of money when you're in Nowhere, OH doing Not So Much- went Bye Bye faster than Birdie. Therefore, in order to make sure I didn't die of COMPLETE starvation (let's call it "functional hunger") while I had my trusty internship at hand, because said internship at the time only paid about $55 per WEEK, I had to succumb to the powers that be of the financial kind...
I became a babysitter. An awesome one at that. To which I will tell you next time...(insert maniacal laughter)
....I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I should also preface the aforementioned statement with the following statement:
....No one does. Though, some people are very good at presenting
a semblance of order.
There are many days where I wake up, stressed out and in a severe sweat- something that my sheets and I have had many conversations about- simply worried about how I plan to pay my rent. And my gas and water bill. And my credit card bill. And that sponsorship for a child in Equador or the DR I managed to get talked into on the street. Oh...and that pesky little thing called Student Loans. (grrrrr.....) One thing that your Provost/College President/Big Kahuna of the Academic kind doesn't tell you during your commencement (I went to a LibArts college and this is the apparent name for when you get your degree) ceremony is that, getting a job out of college is easy...in theory. Or rather....MY College President didn't tell me that (granted I may have kind of, sort of, nappedduringtheceremonywhatever).
So after college, I wanted to be a big kid and move out of my parents' house from Jersey and to New York. With $500 in my bank account post graduation. Not the smoothest move, but hey, I didn't major in mathematics. (African American Studies and English majors and Studio Art minor respectively thank you very much) Anywho, let's just say that within a period of 4 hours that $500- which is quite a lot of money when you're in Nowhere, OH doing Not So Much- went Bye Bye faster than Birdie. Therefore, in order to make sure I didn't die of COMPLETE starvation (let's call it "functional hunger") while I had my trusty internship at hand, because said internship at the time only paid about $55 per WEEK, I had to succumb to the powers that be of the financial kind...
I became a babysitter. An awesome one at that. To which I will tell you next time...(insert maniacal laughter)
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