A Moment of Frustrated Truth

I will first apologize for the radio silence that has happened in the last two or so weeks.

I apologize.

With the whole..."working two jobs thing after spending the summer staying up too late and not working much" has thrown me into a kerfuffle. Meaning I'm tired....again. After finally catching up on sleep. That...and my birthday was last friday. YAY birthday. 

This past week however was harder on the heart than it ought. Which bring to this story of a little one at the park who was elbowed in the heart yesterday. I luckily didn't laugh outrageously out loud. However the father and I bonded over the irony that was laced in her tale of woe somewhere. A short story or film even. 

Anyways, starting from Monday, I have gradually noticed that March has been having the worst kind of attitude shift. To the point where I had to have a conversation with him about what it means to be nice, to be mean, to demand things from people and the whole shebang. I tried to take into account that his dad (Daddy Camera) was planning to leaving the state for a few months on a new film project. And that little boys have random hormone developments at around age 6/7. But I have to say...this is beyond just 'boys being boys'. It got to the point were I had to have a conversation with March about his behavior and he got really upset with me when I explained to him what being nice really means to people, what being rude, and other things like entitlement. He had his moment of stomping off and didn't want to speak to me and I said okay. Go for it. You have the right to be angry, but take a moment to realize what I just told you.

So loe and behold, when Producer Lady came back, I explained to her what happened. Apparently....she doesn't do that type of discipline. (I know...here we go again...). That type of discipline? You mean the one where you talk to your child as if he is 20 as you do? Okay...so I can't do time-outs, and talking to them is discipline. I was clearly frustrated and disheartened because I have no direction to go with this kid. 

When I got home my roommates could tell something was up and I told them all the things that had happened- from him saying racist comments about random people, and myself (which TRUST me...I nipped in the bud REAL fast) to just being really rude and entitled, and Big Red said something to me that I hadn't thought about. Essentially, she told me that it sounds like March's parents want a babysitter/nanny/care-giver who isn't quite concerned about how their child development in the long term sense. And you know what...she might be right. I get so worried about how March's behavior now will get him into some serious pickles in the future, and...maybe I shouldn't. But then what kind of person am I then????

And So the Madness Ensues...

I'm not sure why the post decided to upload itself with nothing on it.

Buuuuuutttttt....that's the story of my life isn't it?!?!?!?!

Anyways, today (not Wednesday) was the start of the ways of the von Film Family. Both June and March started their first full days and it served as a reminder why I stopped working out so much on my own. Between running errands and running to pick up playdates and running with boys and running through traffic- I get my cardio.

However, yesterday (Wednesday, not today) served as a visceral reminder as to why I sometimes...okay often don't like this job. As I went to pick up June from her friends new town house which has six floors, an elevator and an informal kitchen (did anyone else know you could have an informal f*cking kitchen? Cause I didn't). Whatever. Anyways, I go to pick her up, and chat with her lovely mother. The conversation went something like this:

Townhouse Mom: Oh Hi! How are you?
Me: Oh good, how are you?
TM: Stressed.
Me: Yeah, I know moving can be brutal.
TM: Seriously. You know I heard from Producer Lady that you might be leaving...is it true? What's happening?
Me: (paused in conversation cause I had no idea anyone knew about anything...about my life) Well...I'm trying to figure out my next step, you know...potential graduate schools and job opportunities.

and the conversation continues. Apparently, PL got it in her head to tell everyone she knows that I am trying to jump ship. Why is my life on the open forum board? Because that gentlefolk....is the life of a NYC babysitter. Welcome back to school.......oye.

To Full Time or Not to Full Time...or Hamlet...you didn't REALLY have problems hon...

So the past few weeks I've been reconciling that summer was over. And by doing so had to admit to myself that I really enjoyed not working with the Producer Lady. While I had been mildly stressed out- okay- frantically stressed out about how the cost of living in NYC would be affected by having one job less, I realized that there was a sense of freedom that occurred without constantly thinking about June and March.

But what has followed took me by surprise.

While I spent a great deal of time living the young 20-something life (aside: my birthday is officially 13 days from now), I would realize while I worked at B&N how much I missed those two crazies. I would see kids in the store and talk with them and joke and afterwards always have that clarifying "damn" moment after they leave. I ended up sitting for the Von Film Family for a day about 2 weeks ago, and PL had forgotten to mention to them that I would be sitting them for the day. So they woke up one at a time to see me in their new house and were so excited and happy to see me. And we were having the best day together at Washington Sq Park when it hit me...I might not be with you two for the next year. Within the past few weeks I've continued my job search to find "my calling"- which really means a full time job with benefits that will make me more or less happy- and have been having call backs and interviews. I should be elated right?!?!?!

Which makes me realize yet another point...that despite how much I have been frustrated by this job as a babysitter, the thing that made it worth while were those little boogers. And this has led me to become stuck readers, stuck in a place where I can't move forward but don't necessarily want to move backwards either. I find that now, every decision is based on whether or not they'll be fine if I leave (which I'm positive they will be...at least I know June would be) or if I really want to take a 9-5/10-6 because I have talked myself into really "loving" the fact that I can wake up late days and do as I feel. But really...I guess I'm scared of what happens to me if I leave them.

Did the Nanny from The Nanny Diaries ever feel like this?

Either way, I suppose that this is what they meant when they you're not in Kansas anymore....

Week 3ish....Making Powerful Decisions

I sometimes find it weird how much I like kids.

Seeing as how I'll be turning 23 next month, sometimes I have to talk to my biological clock and tell it to simmer the f*ck down because I am barely an adult! I often notice this when I am working at B&N and find an insanely cute baby/child/babychild that looks at me with the "Friend or Foe" look. You know the look. You smile and wave at the little person and they give you that big blank stare with the semi frown. It almost looks the same as when they are pooping in their diaper and can't figure out what that wet sensation is. The face gentle people looks akin to this face

Anyways, I have about two more weeks of filling up my time with picking up shifts and grad school research. But I'm wondering...should I go full time at B&N? Serious decisions are afoot....

A Story of the Jobless, the Hungry, and the Wild Expectations of Mothers.

...I wonder if it would be malicious if I somehow found a full time job, w/ benefits, before the end of August JUST so that I say to the family I babysit for..."Sorry, I'm pulling a Nanny McPhee and getting the f*ck outta here. BYE!!!" I feel that a great satisfaction/vindication would come out of such a glorious moment.

It's okay...you can tell me I'm a horrible person. I think that sometimes.

All I know is...is that it is week two of not working steadily and my bank account is feeling IT. And if you knew me personally, I'm not one to lavishly spend money on myself or things I want and/or need. (please revisit the last post if you have not learned of my broke post-collegiate ways...) So it's been kinda tough. Meaning....-sigh- I'm job hunting. Still...

Anyway, about the lavishly spending money part. So last night after an extra shift I picked up at B&N, I went out to dinner with a friend of mine whom you've met on this blog, Awesome Friend! (HI Awesome Friend!!!!) Awesome Friend continues to be her namesake because of not only our disregard towards our former internship that we shared together, but because she tells me about awesome food places. This time, it was a Latin American restaurant in Brooklyn called Bogota (as in Columbia, yes.) The food? Amazing. The caparinhas? PHENOMENAL! Anyways, over deliciousness that was entering our mouths, we talked about life, job hunting, and friends who babysit for a living like myself. And now... I have a story for you that I learned from AF.

There once was a girl name Graduate. Who babysat in the Hamptons. "Her" family decided that she wasn't needed for a while so they set her free, never letting on if she would be needed again. She found another part time job and immediately was told by the Lady Mother of the family that "something came up" and that they needed her desperately. Alas, young Graduate was unavailable to work at such times needed by the matriarch of the family. When she humbly revealed such conflict to the Lady Mother, she exclaimed with great distain how Graduate must learn "to not selfish and think only of herself, as the family needs her". Graduate was overcome with hurt, and because she was timid, uttered nay an ill-formed word upon the horror that was...the Lady Mother. The End.

Crazy isn't it? And that's a true story. Now...this is actually what goes on in maybe mother's heads when they find that their babysitter isn't available. I've had Producer Lady tell she'll freak out if one day told her that I had to leave their service on many occasions.

As you read this...I hope you know that I would love to see that moment. I know...{slaps hand} I'm a bad person. But THAT...is bad employer-ship. Whatever.

Let's Throw in Some TAAAACOOOOOOSSSSSSS!

It has been a few days since my last post, and as always, my life is full of fadiculousity (note: fadiculousity= f*cking+ridiculousity. Can also be used as 'fadiculous').

This week culminates the end of week one in "So Haydee we as a family are going to our Beach House so we won't need you till about oh September..." for my babysitting job. If you are brand new to this blog, this is not the first mention of this month long I dunno what the f*ck I will do. So what HAVE I done exactly during this week? Well...stay up till 5 in the morning with my roommates making puzzles and stuff of course!!!! Respectively my roommates are Big Red whom you've met before, The Yakki, and Oaklie- Oaklie is a new addition to the house hailing from Oakland whom we LOVE and knew from college, and Happy Feet who was asleep. If she knew I named her Happy Feet for this blog she might beat me with her dance shoes...

But puzzlement aside, this has been part of a larger stress induced month. I don't work that often in the café at B&N. So on top of financial worries, I am also starting to work on my graduate school applications. Holy crap!!!!! I know. I've been working on my photo company and such and have to tell you, I'm getting excited. I updated my camera from a Canon Powershot SX 20 IS to my dreamy new Canon EOS Rebel T3 that came with not one but TWO lenses. *shivers from excitement*. Anyways, this is a beautiful camera that does so much more than my wonderful camera Binky. Yes it's name is Binky. And I type this blog on Lucinda de Mac aka Indi. Make something of it.

Anyhow, the second reason for this upgrade is for my pending photo projects that I need to complete for my portfolio and grad school applications.

What all of this means is that August has turned into a month where I can actually do this I love and need to get done. I was explaining this to a fellow internshipper like myself who I met up for lunch with earlier today. Her name (she hath dubbed herself)- Awesome Friend. Which is true. I don't see her enough. She lives far form me and I and sad. We also talk about food a LOT to each other so she is my other other Fat Soul Mate. (First and foremost will always be Big Red)  So Awesome Friend and I went for...you guessed it...TACCCCCCOOOOOOOS (insert Nacho Libre voice- a seriously underrated film by Jack Black. It's stupid funny). 1) the tacos were delicious. 2) for the twenty minutes that we were together, we had a phenomenal time.

I'll stop here. It's hot out and I'm getting sleepy....

Oh The Tangled Lives We Lead...

This past week has been something of a cosmic dishwasher for me. Let me explain....

Loading the dirty dishes of my life, I dealt with some random life issues as any person does. Stacking clean ones back in my cabinet so to speak, I've just had to repeat the cycle. Though I opened the cafe two consecutive days this week and proceed to babysit right after, I felt slightly on autopilot. So the whole figuring-out-my-life-at-age-22 thing has been halted. Much to my chagrin...I got lazy. There. I said it.

What didn't help is when I spoke to my mother on the phone, she proceeded to list off the ways in which I have failed since college. ~sigh~. Let me amend this phrasing: my mother, like all mothers, is a worry-wart. She frets. She fusses. She sticks her nose where is most certainly isn't needed, and so when  we talked about my lack of health insurance, it somehow became a conversation about my life and how I haven't found a good job, and how I'm not in school like my sister, and how it's hard to find a job ...this makes a girl who already has a deep inclination to worry a lot about what hasn't come to pass (cue Cate Blanchett as Elf Princess Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.) decide to continue to take action, even as it made her more depressed. Finishing quote of the day? Don't get discouraged. Well I wasn't till you started talking Mother Dearest (though I love you most dearly!)

So after having to force myself to apply to jobs that could set my future in motion, I applied to jobs that would hopefully push me into the art world. Wherein I landed an interview as an artist assistant that was Thursday morning (read: early-o'clock). No matter, the interview turned out really well...especially since said artist had A TURTLE NAMED MILLIE!!!!! It was probably the best part of my day and certainly that interview. As for the job...we'll see what happens.

But of course, I still think about my mother's words and how affected by them I was. Which is where my sister Le Leo told me something that I am trying to take to heart because it was just so m*therf*cking profound...she said to me that "Your life is good for you right now" and you know what...that may very well be true. Babysitting and all. I shall ruminate on this...

But seriously, sometimes it's hard figuring out what the next step- scratch that it's ALWAYS hard. Nevertheless, sometimes...the lives we lead are what we are supposed to have sometimes. Sometimes...